Saturday, April 30, 2005


I went to Mimma's with Kyle last night and ordered Mimma's Cafe Insalata Di Pollo. It was very good, and I enjoyed the whole Mimma's experience, except for the part where the waiter disappeared for a while. I guess that's what we get for showing up at the last minute.

By the way, the water was delicious.

Today's Quote

"Here's normal"
-Starbucks Employee

Thursday, April 28, 2005


This guy has been acting extra crazy ever since he got his teeth cleaned at the vet's office yesterday. Now they're saying he has to go back in three weeks to make sure his kidneys are ok. Please, no more cat health problems.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Wisdom Teeth

All of my wisdom teeth are to be removed in about two weeks. I was really terrified of this whole process, and was considering just living with my uncomfortable teeth rather than facing my fear and having them removed. However, I met the oral surgeon yesterday and he was a real smart ass. When I anxiously asked him exactly how my teeth were going to be removed, he told me (with a straight face) that he was going to blast them out with dynamite.

I like this guy.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Tofu Good

I stole this picture off of Roman's flickr site. He took it last night at Izumi's. A bunch of us went out to dinner there for a belated celebration of sorts. It was my first time eating there (though I've been curious about the place for a while). Overall, I really enjoyed it, plus it was really great to just be out with friends.

I wish I could think of something substantial to reflect on. Last night's topic of discussion seemed to be emotions, and how none of us have any control over them, which is exactly what I've been realizing lately.

Earlier in the day, Roman had run into an old dear friend of mine at Fuel who wrote me a note and sent it with Roman to deliver on his behalf. I haven't actually spent any time with Wylie in at least a year, perhaps two. He's often impossible to locate, so I found it very exciting to see that this note contains a phone number. Wylie exists in my world again. Coffee must be consumed.

Friday, April 22, 2005


Today has been going really well. It seems as if realizing that I have no control over my emotions has made me feel better. It's such a paradox.

Thursday, April 21, 2005


So, I've been feeling very depressed lately, which makes me want to do something to make myself feel better. Why do feelings always make me want to do something? Is this how human beings are supposed to operate? Is emotional turmoil a signal that I should change something in my life, or is it just a normal human experience that doesn't need to be acted upon? This keeps coming up. I keep finding myself questioning the nature of emotions. What makes feelings like sadness and anger "bad" and feelings like happiness "good"? Is happiness really good? If happiness is a mere emotion, than I don't think it's necessarily good, although it's certainly enjoyable. I'm tired of chasing happiness as some sort of phantom goal. Sometimes all is right in the world and I'm doing everything I should be and I still don't feel happy. It's beyond my control. I think an ideal state to be in is somewhere beyond emotion. A place where no matter what I am feeling, I am still, somehow, simultaneously content with myself and the world around me. Happiness be damned.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

On a completely unrelated note...

Regina Spektor is performing on Jay Leno tonight, so check it out if you can manage to tolerate the show up until then, or just turn it on toward the end.

With the ups come the downs

The blissful euphoria I was feeling has now faded and the monotony of my life is becoming apparent to me once again. Also, there seems to be some sort of dark cloud following me around, causing bad things to happen to me. Obviously, I am not as together as I thought. I feel like my own mind is an enemy out to destroy me. My head hurts, the weather sucks and I have not yet mastered the concept of acceptance.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Insert Title Here

Well, despite the underwhelming lack of input from you people to steer me, I believe I have decided that I really do want to major in journalism. I'll let you know when I change my mind again.

I just left Kyoto with Mark (very enjoyable), and since it was approaching 10:00, and I have to pick up Nik at 11:00, it seemed senseless to make the trip home. Conveniently, my parents live just 5 minutes away from Kyoto, so here I am, using their computer to kill time. It's really fucking warm in here.

Life is good right now. I find that busying myself leaves me with little time to worry and project about how things are going to be. It's much easier to just live my life than to constantly worry about it. My energy seems to be a force that is feeding itself. The more I do, the more ready and able I feel to do even more. I come home from work and I am still doing things. I am no longer a vegetable clutching a remote control. I am sure the beautiful weather may have partially influenced this, but I am also patting myself on the back for getting myself into action again, and acting like a somewhat normal, functional human being. I know I still have to remain cautious and humble, but I am really enjoying myself. I feel like I am just coming back to life. I could be dead, but I'm not.

It is really good to be alive.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

When I Grow Up...

Follow through has never been one of my strong suits. When I was 12 years old, one of my teachers called me fickle. It was the first time I had ever heard the word, but it was an accurate way to describe me. I start projects without finishing them. I've attended two colleges and earned no degree. Before I was married, I was in numerous relationships that I often ended out of sheer boredom. I become completely excited and involved with projects and ideas, only to forget about them soon after. When it comes to a career path, I've never been able to stay the course, but now that I'm 26, I feel that I seriously need to start thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. I'm planning on going back to school in the Fall, so I'm thinking about what I should study.

1. Philosophy - Love of wisdom. I love studying Philosophy, even when I mostly forget who wrote what. I think I love Philosophy because I love ideas, I love questioning things, and I love having discussions. I realize, of course, that studying Philosophy isn't practical in a career oriented sense. Most Philosophy majors become professors or instructors, and that's after many years of schooling. I wouldn't mind continuing to study Philosophy indefinately, but I'm not counting on it getting me a career.

2. Law - This one seems like a nice transition from Philosophy because they both involve the study of ethics. Studying law might be really interesting for me, but I'm not sure if I can really see myself as a lawyer.

3. Dietetic Technition - OK, I'm not really considering this one anymore. I like the idea of studying nutrition, but I think the job that would follow involves bringing trays of food to the sick and elderly. Not my dream job.

4. Pharmacy Technition - I think my medical background might prevent me from getting a job as a Pharmacy Technition, but I've never really looked into it, mainly because the idea of counting pills under florescent lights is somewhat horrifying.

5. Veterinary Technition - This idea was the last career goal I was really excited about, and now, in fickle Heidi fashion, I'm abandoning it. I love the idea of working with animals, but I have some qualms about medical stuff. Mainly, I get grossed out. I'm the type of person who gets faint and has to sit down when visiting a hospital, so I'd have a lot of desensitizing to do before I could become a vet tech. Euthanasia is another issue, and while I'm in favor of euthanasia as opposed to prolonging unneccesary suffering, actually participationg in it might be too much for me to cope with emotionally. Also, the only school that offers vet tech training is in Madison, and even if I wanted to move or make the commute, I hear there's a waiting list.

6. English - another passion of mine that won't amount to a non-teaching career.

7. Journalism - This is my latest big idea. I love to write and I love to do research. The thought of studying journalism makes me nervous for a couple of reasons, one of them being that I've never worked on any kind of newspaper (unless you count the literary review at UW Waukesha), and the other being the fact that I veiw the media as a bunch of slimeballs who are out to invade people's privacy. If I became a journalist, it would be really important to me that I keep my integrity, but I fear doing that would make it hard to get a job in this cut throat competetive world. Journalism (with integrity), also seems related to Philosophy in a way. I would use it as a search for truth. Socrates would be pleased. Also, like Law, I'm sure that Journalism shares the study of certain ethics with Philosophy.

Well, those are my ideas. I know that the decision is ultimately up to me, but if anyone has any input I'd like to hear it (or read it).

Saturday, April 09, 2005


I was a bit cranky last night and I've been cranky today. It seems like I actually feel better when I'm at work then when I have free time. I think it's because when I'm at work, I can usually figure out what I'm supposed to be doing, and if I don't know, I can ask someone. Here at home, it is chaos. I have no system. My apartment is messy, I'm disorganized with my time, and without the structured environment of work, I seem to lack the motivation to change any of it. All of this is making me cranky and unsettled. I do have certain routines that are vital to my life that I've been sticking to, but it isn't enough. I need to get organized. I need to have a routine that includes me taking care of myself, my apartment, my cats and my work. On days I work I have energy all day long, but on days off, I never get energized to begin with. Something needs to change. My head hurts.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Living Will

A former college professor of mine brought my attention to Robert Friedman's "Living Will is the Best Revenge" I think it's very appropriate. If you haven't read it already, you should.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Everything is going well. Things are falling into place. I must proceed with caution. I must remain vigilant.

Saturday, April 02, 2005


Maybe I'll spend the rest of my life
in some bizarre version of sleep.
You could dress me up and brush my hair
and prop me up to watch T.V.

I'd have plenty of media sympathy,
and friends could come and visit me.
They'll all tell me funny stories,
and swear I was just smiling.

They could prop me up to be on T.V.
And put a tube in my throat to feed me.
And they'll all say, "Isn’t she pretty?"
I'll be their symbol unknowingly.

The whole world could philosophize
about whether I should live or die.
And all the Christians could make up lies
To make sure that I stay alive.

Maybe I'll spend the rest of my time
in some bizarre version of sleep.
They'll argue death and they'll argue life,
until one day, I am set free.

Friday, April 01, 2005


We rented and watched the movie Closer last night. It was really terrible. Clive Owen's character was the only thing remotely interesting, and it wasn't enough to save the movie. What has happened to Natalie Portman? When she did The Professional she had extraordinary talent for a 12 year old, and now she's in her 20's, and she still has extraordinary talent for a 12 year old.

I also watched Napoleon Dynamite last night in it's entirety, and I really enjoyed it. Pedro was my favorite character. I need to get a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt.