Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Things I've been thinking lately

Other than posting pictures of my new cat, I've been at a loss about what to blog about. I was without a keyboard for a few days, and although I was working on some poetry in my notebook, it never really went anywhere. Now I'm back. I'm online. I'm blogging, and I feel creatively dead. I need to get rolling again. I have no prose or poetry to share, but I thought maybe I could make a list. An honest list of things I've been thinking about lately. Some of the thoughts may be stupid, or absurd and most definatley self absorbed, but my goal is just to be honest. I have to be honest if I'm ever going to be a real writer, and the thought of that terrifies me.

1.My thighs are fat.
2.I can't relate to women (other than my friend Jen).
3.I'm always afraid people are going to judge me.
4.I'm jealous of my friends' girlfriends even though I'm married.
5.I never want to have children, and I felt really left out of the rest of the world because of that.
6.I fear I will never become much of anything.
7.I never have people over because I'm ashamed of my housekeeping (or lack of it)
8.Sometimes I think I'm gay.
9.Sometimes I'm sure I'm completely straight.
10.I fear that I will never have anyone get really close to me other than my husband because the process of becoming comfortable around another human being takes too long.
11.I treat people as if they are disposable, and then get nostalgic about them later.
12.I'm afraid to talk about sex (other than with my husband).
13.I'm not as smart as I like to seem.
14.If I had any real courage or discipline, I'd be a musician.
15.Drug addicts and people who have committed suicide fascinate me.
16.I know suicide isn't the answer. Nothing is the answer.
17.The answer is to stop looking for the answer.
18.I'm not really that depressed.

5 Comments:

Blogger So Lost said...

It is important when you are blocked to just keep writing, or the block never goes away. Good luck.

June 30, 2005 12:12 AM  
Blogger loren said...

Got two things for you, the first is some help for your shyness.

If you'll go to my blog there is a link in the left-hand column for 'the fine art of small talk' which can turn a wall flower into a brilliant conversationalist.

I know. I was once as shy as you, and it did wonders for me. It played a big role in my courtship and now I'm very happily married.

Second. My blog is about knowing Jesus, and you can talk to Him about anything. I invite you to come and check out the blog, and read some of the articles. No religion there, it's all about a living, spiritual relationship.

If you talk to Jesus about some of the things you read, just see how He answers you. Just between Him and you.

June 30, 2005 1:51 AM  
Blogger Heidi Bloom said...

Well, I was really with you on the overcoming shyness part. I'm not a religious person myself. Don't get me wrong, I think Jesus was pretty cool, but I also think he was just a human being. I could find any other human being (possibly still alive) to talk about anything with.

I could go crazy. I could spend my days having long conversations with Abraham Lincoln or Sylvia Plath, or my dead cousin Russ, or some random spirit that lost his way, or perhaps even Jesus. My point is that I'm not necessarily closed off to the idea of Jesus persay, but I'm not going to seek him out merely because he's Jesus. I mean, what's in a name anyway? I believe in an interconnectedness that we all belong to spiritually, but I'm not big on Christian mythology. If Jesus existed, he was a great man, but he is long since dead. I can't turn my life over to a symol of religion and pretend that everything is ok thereafter. Thanks anyway for your concern. Good luck reforming others.

June 30, 2005 11:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hun, talk to your doctor about some therapy/meds. Nothing to much but... I used to think and talk like you are and, well it just got worse. The meds if done right just take the edge off and give the thearpy a chance to sink in and help. If you think you are "not that depressed" than you admit that yopu are somewhat depressed. There is no shame in depression it is an illness just like flu etc... Good Luck

July 03, 2005 2:44 AM  
Blogger Heidi Bloom said...

I honestly can't say that I want the "edge" taken off. How fucking depressing and trite to be like everyone else. I mean, I already know that I am like everyone else, and nothing more...nothing special, but do they have to rub it in with mediction?

July 03, 2005 4:00 AM  

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