Adelblog

Crappy teenage-ish poetry revisited (sorry!)

2008-09-18T21:33:00.001-05:00

Everyone’s faces
Far away
fading

Picture perfect
Deteriorating

Muddled
icons so small
and decaying

No one knew
anyone
anything
anyway.

I love my job

2008-06-18T19:28:00.003-05:00

I got one of the best compliments today from a coworker while I was cashiering. She said, "You're really nice. You're really good at your job."

It was a great compliment to me, and I accepted it with a thanks because she's right. I love my job and I think I'm good at it. That's an incredible feeling. Feeling at home where I work, feeling like I have a place where I belong and am doing something I'm good at, something I care about - that feeling is irreplaceable.

I'm going to work overtime and make extra money. Everything in my life is going so well, socially and work related. Academically is still coming along, and I feel like I've been reading more - not just more philosophy, but more overall. Working at McKay's exposes me to so many books, music, movies, culture - the opportunities to get interested in things are endless.

I like books on tape now. That's pretty new for me. I read fiction even when I don't have the time for it, and it's lovely.

New Job

2008-05-08T17:43:00.002-05:00

I got a job at the big local used bookstore in Knoxville - McKay's. It's pretty much Knoxville's equivalent of Half Price Books, but it's smaller as a chain, and bigger as a store. There are other locations in Chattanooga and Nashville, but I think Knoxville is the biggest one. It has two floors, the first floor for books, and the second for music. So far I really like it. It's funky down to earth people to work with, practically no dress code and an extremely generous employee discount. So far it looks like I'm going to be able to get enough hours to not need a second job. It's a lot to take in at once, and it can be hectic, but I think I'm doing fine, and I'm happy because it has to be one of the cooler places to work in Knoxville.

misprint

2008-05-03T22:30:00.001-05:00

I don't know how the editors missed this one but I'm in an absurd mood tonight and found this pretty funny. That poor boy must be exhausted.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v94/Kyandi/image001.jpg

regrets

2008-04-22T21:35:00.002-05:00

Looking down at my previous post makes me ache to be happy again. I'm not, currently. It has become more apparent to me than ever that there's really not much in my life. Now, I'm all about endorsing the view that one should live for today, focus on what can be done currently and let go of the past. That aside though, regrets are weighing on me, so I thought I'd list some to get them off of my chest. It'll also serve two other functions - 1. To further depress me and 2. To help me remember to make better decisions in the future (I hope).

1. I regret quitting German. Taking German classes really gave me a sense of structure in my life. I felt at home in the German department. I felt like myself. I should have held onto it and never let go.

2. I regret quitting my job. It was a pretty good job, and I liked it because I liked being around specific people regularly, on a day to day basis. I liked feeling like I was a part of something.

3. I regret letting my academic work slide. I am not the student I once was, and that pains me.

4. I regret letting alcohol become a central feature in my life again. I was pretty healthy and stable before I let that happen.

5. I regret misplacing my trust in people. I regret falling in love with people without having a clear sense of their character.

6. I regret having listened to others instead of myself regarding major life changing decisions. I regret not believing in myself enough to have the courage to stand up for what I wanted and deserved (yes, I know this one is vague at best).

I think that's it for now, and yes, it did depress me further.

Feeling Alive

2008-02-28T23:00:00.004-05:00

I don't want to jump the gun by saying this, but I actually feel happy today. I'm afraid announcing that will abruptly lead to everything falling apart.

Doesn't seem to be happening yet...

I feel hopeful. I feel like my chances for the kind of life I want may not be extinct after all.

I think I noticed I was happy sometime this afternoon and was quite surprised. It's been a long time since I noticed I was happy. I've spent a lot of time lately just getting by. Happy is a refreshing change.

Even writing that I'm happy, thinking about how I'm happy, is making me happy.

I'm meta-happy.

2008-01-12T17:30:00.001-05:00

The person in front of me is
Not what he seems. He is
Eight different people all plotting
Against me. 20 years old with a
Glass of merlot. Someone to be
With and no one I know.

2007-12-01T02:01:00.000-05:00

I am generic nobody
pared down to substance
reduced to thing
pure physicality in motion
nothing
but nothing
and everything.

2007-10-22T18:53:00.000-05:00

This time I mean it, but it’s too inconvenient.

This time is nothing is cop-out is nothing.

Tomorrow is something is nothing is now.

Tomorrow is always is never is now.

And I don’t know how. Not tomorrow not now.

I don’t know anything. I don’t know how.

A Memorial to Simon, a Welcome to Jake

2007-10-04T16:56:00.001-05:00

I'm very unhappy to report that we lost our first kitten, Simon. The poor little guy died before we had a chance to pick him up from the store. He was a really great kitten who should have grown up to be a cat. He would have made an excellent cat. We are moving on, but it's very tragic, and we refuse to ever forget Simon or what a great kitten he was.

Moving on, we thought, meant continuing with the plan of getting a kitten. It's true, he's not Simon, but he's a good kitten just the same. His name is Jake, (short for Charcoal Jake) and he seems to be an affectionate and playful guy. He's a hearty kitten too. (I wish poor Simon could have been this hearty). Jake and Vaughn are hanging out in South Dakota, but I'll be meeting him soon and bringing him home a week from Sunday.

I hope he likes airplanes.

2007-09-30T12:26:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I visited South Dakota for the first time and really liked it. It's nice to see green space and streets that aren't packed with traffic and covered in litter. I am going back there for Fall Break and I can't wait. Oh, and I'll be bringing a new kitten back with me. I think his name will either be Samson or Simon.

I really can't wait until I graduate and get out of Knoxville for good. I like the weather here and there are a few other redeeming qualities about Knoxville, but mostly, it just stinks (both literally and figuratively).

2007-09-03T16:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not alone anymore. I will physically be alone again for the next 5 weeks or so, but we have officially resumed relationship status.

My new ambition is to graduate as soon as possible. That means dropping my German minor, which is sad, but it's what has to be done. Most of the time I'm really tired of Knoxville and I think I'll be beyond ready to leave in the Spring after I graduate. I want to get out of here and go to South Dakota, to a place that isn't completely covered in litter.

We saw the boomsday fireworks display last night from my apartment. I guess there are some redeeming things about Knoxville. I thought I had seen fireworks shows before, but I really hadn't. They know how to do fireworks in the South. The whole thing was practically apocalyptic.

I don't know what else I can write about. I don't talk to a lot of people about things. I have to focus on academics, and I'm not thrilled about it. I am counting the days until Fall Break. I am using the thought of my graduation to muster up enough motivation to keep going.

Wer bist du?

2007-08-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

Wer bist du?
Ich möchte wissen.
Bist du jemand?
Bist du du?

Wo bist du?
Es ist schwer zu sehen.
Hast du ein Selbst?
Bist du du? ich?

Ich kenne nicht
die Worte "du" und "ich"
Es gibt kein Selbst darin.

Alone

2007-07-31T11:56:00.000-05:00

I am officially on my own now. I'm heartbroken but I still have hope. I refuse to completely let go of hope.

Now I have to go back to work, back to my life, and all I can say is blah.

Ok, sorry, it's been a while

2007-07-28T01:02:00.002-05:00

I don't know where to start.

As of Tuesday I will be in Knoxville by myself and it's unbelievable. I have some friends and everything, but it's not quite the same.

Friends are important though. It's been hard for me these past couple of years to really incorporate friendships into my life.

I have no idea what to say.

It's hard, but at the same time, I am fine, and at the same time, it's devestating.

I guess I am less worried. I am more me. I am more, "here I am and so what about it?" than before, and that's a tremendous thing for me.

I work, and work is good. My academics have been gut fuer ueber eine Jahre. Now it's a matter of bringing all aspects of my life zusammen und letting them be zusammen.

I am guilty of blog neglect

2007-07-08T14:26:00.000-05:00

I am going to end up alone. I've said it before and now I know it's really happening. And that's ok. It has to be. I thought to further convince myself I could make myself a list of things I can do now that I'll be alone.

1. Spend an extra semester at UT
2. As a consequence of #1, perhaps be able to double major in German and Philosophy
3. Go to grad school anywhere I want (or at least, anywhere I can get into)
4. Meet Knoxville poets
5. Meet more people in general and make actual friends
6. Date (scary!)

Ok, that's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there's lots more. I know it will be ok. I'd say all of the usual crap about how being on my own is a huge step for me and how important that is, but I kind of feel like I might as well be saying blah blah blah blah blah. Really it feels like jumping off a cliff, but there's an odd freedom about that feeling.

heart revised

2007-06-07T15:11:00.000-05:00

most days I go around
kicking hearts around like stones
pathetic pebble
pavement scrap
unwilling tag-along

walk because
stand still because
I move I was I do
Unscatter me a wedding ice
chip away your noon

until replace
what yet remains
undo what doing
does and do

previous version

2007-05-13T06:55:00.000-05:00

Next week I am moving out on my own for the first time. More will be revealed.

2007-05-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

Well, my life is definately no longer boring and uncomplicated.

Pine Cones

2007-04-29T11:21:00.000-05:00

In
the
Springtime
They stand green
and future hopeful

In
the
Autumn
The green fades-
Brown contaminates
and kills what seeds will soon replace

This poem is based on the Fibonacci sequence of spirals found in pine cones. For Gregory Pincus' take on Fibonacci poems, which he calls "fibs," visit GottaBook

Fuzzing Out

2007-04-14T09:32:00.000-05:00

You can glaze yourself over like ham that no one eats

for fear of ruining its reflective appeal, or

respect for the pig representing gluttony

(it isn’t really gluttonous, but is in fact, just pig.)

You can gaze off, glaze over… fade away, as you like.

Exist in unambiguous gray impermanence,

disappear by sheer willpower, scatter to the air.

Find yourself lost.

See yourself gone.

Become background noise no one can hear.

ein anderer schlechter Tag

2007-04-11T14:49:00.000-05:00

Enough with crappy weather. Enough with this semester. I am dying for some good fortune...news of a scholarship, our Wisconsin tax refund, Nik's 401K money from his last job...something, anything to get us through. Something to pick up my spirits. I didn't get the student advisor job. I don't quite know why. I guess they didn't like me. I can't imagine working at some random part time job ever again. I need to do something on campus that I would actually care about doing (like student advising) I would have made a damn fine student advisor. Maybe they want people with perky personalities...you know, like the airheads that typically work in student advising. Well, whatever. I have no other ideas for a job, so I guess I won't be working fall semester. Maybe I'll never work again. Maybe I'll just take classes forever. I'll be a professional student. I'd actually really like that.

One more thing

2007-04-07T16:51:00.000-05:00

Would you believe that I forgot to mention we have a new cat? His name is Duncan, and he is another Turkish Angora, most likely a Turkish Angora mix. I often think and talk about the differences between him and Merlin to remind myself that he isn't a Merlin replacement. Merlin slept on my pillow and put his arms around my neck to give hugs. Duncan gives kisses and isn't as much of a tough guy as Merlin was. He does, however, have characteristics typical of a Turkey...an odd attraction to water, a high metabolism and general feline insanity.

Chocolate bunnies depress me

2007-04-07T16:23:00.001-05:00

What a miserable weekend. Easter strikes me as one of the more ridiculous religious holidays, and they have false Spring here in Knoxville too. It's only about 40 degrees today, not that I intend to go outside. I am glad I'm not in Milwaukee, because false Spring would be hitting me even harder with disappointment. From examining the weather forecast, it looks like I only have to withstand the cold for about a week. I think I can do that.

Geology sucks. I prepare until I'm blue in the face for the exams and I still can't get an A. People say McKinney is easy. People lie. I don't like the way he organizes his material (if you can call what he does organization), and to have any hope of getting an A, I have to do hours and hours of service work. I think there's something fundementally contradictory about forced volunteerism, and I'm beginning to resent the environment. So, go ahead, burn fossil fuels, and whatever you do, don't recycle. Where is global warming when you need it?

I cannot wait until this semester is over. German is impossible and some masochist disguised as me has recently chosen German as my minor. I hate Geology and Contemporary Moral Issues, but I love Ethics and Ancient Western Philosophy. Over the summer I can only afford to take two classes, Mathematical Statistics (what a blast!) and German 202. I wanted to get more out of the way during the summer, but it just isn't financially possible.

The German weekend was good, but by no means did I walk away from it with a newfound crisp understanding of the German language. If anything, it slightly improved my vocab and listening skills and made me vastly aware of the fact that I've barely scratched the surface.

This month I'm waiting to hear back on a lot of things. I am up for a job in the Student Advising office for Arts and Sciences, and I've applied for scholarships in the German and Philosophy departments. More money would be a very good thing, particularly if I have to relocate to go to grad school. I really need to save, but so far it isn't working. I realize I never reported back about whether or not I got the art editor position for the Phoenix, but I didn't get it. That was a long time ago, and I didn't even really care much at the time. The other applicant had more passion for the job. Next semester I will either be made poetry editor or continue working on support staff. I'm pretty much happy doing either.

I thought I would study French but there's no room for it on my schedule unless I overload again, and I don't think I really want to do that. Or do I? Hmmm...
I can't decide if it would be better to have a fairly good understanding of one foreign language, or a really basic understanding of two. This is something I change my mind about on a weekly basis. The German department feels like home to me to an extent. Not as much as the Philosophy department, but still home-like.

German Immersion

2007-03-30T14:15:00.000-05:00

I'm spending the weekend in a cabin with a bunch of people and we are only allowed to speak German for the whole weekend. I'm quite nervous about it, not just because of my lack of German speaking skills but because of the fact that people scare me, and I will be eating and sleeping in common with people for the next three days or so. This is an important step for me, I think. I find that I don't really feel like an outcast the way that I used to since moving to TN. I think not drinking helps too. I'm becoming or have become a stable person. It's weird, I feel like people are more accepting here and less judgemental, despite being on the bible belt. Maybe the thing that always made me feel like a freak in Milwaukee was just bad reputation that I've now left behind.

Mein Geburtstag

2007-03-25T10:30:00.000-05:00

Gestern war mein Geburtstag. 28 Jahre alt bin ich. Weil meine Mutter geshickt mir $100 hat, habe ich einkaufen gagangen. Ich habe ein neues Kleid gekauft und viel mehr. Dann, haben Nik und ich im Restaurant gegessen. Alles war sehr gut. Zu Hause haben wir ein Brettspiel gespielt und meine Familie haben mir telefoniert und "Alles gute zum Geburtstag" gesagt.

Frühling

2007-03-22T20:53:00.000-05:00

I'm loving Springtime in Knoxville. I feel like the sun is warming up my spirit, my mood, my essence. There is an expected high of 80 degrees for my birthday. Wenn das Wetter warm ist, bin ich sehr glücklich.

4am

2007-02-18T04:30:00.002-05:00

When I wake up all ribs
in the middle of the night,
hunger sickly clinging to empty,
each little rib lined up to each,
fencing the me into me

I wonder what is the difference
between a poem and a nightmare?
They each shake you up
in a 4am sweat, urging you
to do something different.

Grades and Stuff

2007-02-07T16:16:00.000-05:00

Results from my first three tests this semester are in. I got 90.3% on my German test and 90% in Math. I don't even want to tell you what my grade was on my first Geology test. Suffice it to say I didn't take it seriously enough, but now I'll know better for next time. I can also boost my grade by doing extra service hours. I'm planning on working on the Cumberland Trail during spring break, so that should help. Tests and Papers for all three of my Philosophy classes are rapidly approaching. (Studying German is leading to the random capitalization of nouns in English!) I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm taking Ethics, Contemporary Moral Issues and Ancient Western Philosophy all at the same time, and I'm noticing a lot of overlap in ideas, and even in some text readings. I think I'm giving myself a strong foundation for my study of Philosophy this semester, and even though I cringe when I imagine myself studying ethics, I'm actually really enjoying it.

Nik is finished at the truck wash, which is such a good thing. He starts his new job on Monday working for the cable company. At some point, we'll be getting free cable. Just what I need. Oh, and even better, we might be getting a free phone line. It would be nice to have a home phone line again, especially since my cell phone reception is always crummy in the apartment.

At the Phoenix, UT's Art & Literary magazine, I am a candidate for the position of art editor. It's between me and one other girl, and we've both been working for the Phoenix for the same amount of time and have the same amount of knowledge about art. I really don't know who the position will fall to. In truth, I am somewhat ambivalent about it. I'd much rather have a position like poetry editor than art editor, but I believe I have the capacity to be art editor, it'll just be a new area for me. Anyway, I'm in wait and see mode right now and whatever happens will happen. How's that for a tautology?

The C

2007-01-28T14:40:00.000-05:00

I had a complete breakdown last week after recieving a C on a German quiz. A big, red, hideous C, branding me mediocre. I'm trying to get a little more perspective on this now. It was, after all, just a quiz. I missed one day of class but I am all caught up now, and I'm convincing myself that a C is only the end of the world if I let it be. Tomorrow there is a German test. A test is much more significant than a quiz, obviously. I've been studying over the weekend, but I'm still not sure how well I know the material. I felt pretty confident before the quiz, so I'm afraid to feel confident again. At this point, all I can do is continue to spend the rest of today studying and relax. Relaxing is crucial.

Did I mention I'm taking 22 credits this semester? It's a lot of fun. I would love, more than anything, to get another 4.0 this semester, but it may not happen, and if it doesn't, that's ok. What matters is that I do the best I can. What matters is that I'm showing up every day and putting my mind to something. What matters is that I'm finishing what I've started.

Nik may be changing jobs, which would be a very good thing. They really treat him like dirt at his job now. Also, we have decided to move closer into the heart of the city. Our apartment is too expensive, and I really hate living in Cedar Bluff. It's much too far from campus. I'm hoping we can find a single home to rent. Our neighbors in this building stomp around like elephants and listen to hideously bad music. I'd also like to live somewhere close enough to walk to campus, or at least take a trolley. Our lease isn't up until the end of May, but I would like to secure a place at the beginning of May and take our time moving. It would be impossible to move at the end of May anyway, since we'll be in Washington D.C. with my parents.

2007-01-24T07:23:00.000-05:00

Even Knoxville is too cold for me. I need to live somewhere where it's at least 50 degrees every day, like San Francisco. Anything colder than 50 degrees makes me want to jump out a window.

Yesterday the weather forecast predicted a high of 47. Lies - evil rotten lies.

If I was in Milwaukee right now, I believe I'd be taking a handful of pills. At least in Knoxville the Winter will end when it's supposed to. In Milwaukee the Winter seems to never end. It acts like Winter will end, but really it's just taunting you.

I'm not going to class today. I'm a loser and a failure. That's really all there is to it.

2006-12-30T09:35:00.000-05:00

I wasn't was am not was not no
don't it won't don't please don't go
I didn't it wasn't I didn't say
no I didn't it won't only no years
old please don't say no it won't go
I didn't it wouldn't I didn't say no

2006-12-28T11:05:00.000-05:00

pudge

Bored

2006-12-21T12:27:00.000-05:00

Winter break is boring. The semester is finished, I've accomplished my 4.0 GPA, and now I have nothing to do until January 10th.

I have housework to do but I'm not very enthusiastic about it. I cleaned my bathroom today, and finished reading a novel by Billie Letts. Kind of a mindless, guilty pleasure type of a book, complete with a cheesy, happily-ever-after ending. I picked up some other things from the library yesterday, including Walden, which I've been planning to re-read over break. It's been years since I first read it, and my recent interest in American Transcententalism has encouraged me to revisit Thoreau. I also thought I might read some Faulkner, since somehow I've never read him before.

I thought of taking a job but since I don't want to work during Spring semester it seems kind of pointless. I even had an interview yesterday that I cancelled. I know that lots of people work and go to school at the same time, but I'd rather put myself completely into my schoolwork. I think working would distract me, and I have to stay focused. I have to do what I care about.

A long time ago, I used to write poems

2006-12-16T13:58:00.000-05:00

I never write poetry anymore.

Am I creatively dead?

Am I too structured?

Out of every hundred poems that I've written, maybe there are 3 that might be worth something. The only way to write good poems is to write a lot of bad ones, and I'm not even doing that anymore. I don't know why. I can't help thinking that my poetry is fueled by consumption of alcohol, but I know that's incredibly stupid, even though the idea looks plausible.

My life is boring and uncomplicated. In Milwaukee, there were complications. There were issues. There was drama. There were people.

I don't know what my point is.

Since I've lived here, I haven't been depressed for longer than a day at a time, which seems miraculous to me.

The truth is, depression can be creatively motivating. Emotional turmoil is something to respond to, something to interpret, something to write about. I'm not saying it's the only way to be creative, but it is the way I have the most experience with.

I really need to take an English class.

Life is good. Everything is fine.

And I feel extroardinarily dull.

Dreams

2006-12-08T04:08:00.000-05:00

I just woke up from odd dreams about an hour ago. I can't seem to shake it and get back to sleep, so I thought I'd write down what I dreamt.

First, I was in some sort of mental hospital. I believe I had been drinking which would largely explain why I was there. I don't remember much about the details of the mental hospital portion of the dream, but at some point, this guy Brian that I used to know came to get me. He kind of rescued me in a way, I suppose, although, like I said, the details are lost in a haze.

Next, we were at my parents house. A huge storm was on its way and we were all running around trying to prepare for it. In this part of the dream, I had a younger sister. I don't know her name, but she had long dark hair and was terrified of the rain. She wasn't helping at all to prepare for the storm because she was scared, and my parents were lecturing her about it because she had some sort of nautical career ahead of her, and they wanted her to know how to bunker down. My parents were in the process of relocating their pool, and we all went out there to secure everything, and somehow ended up swimming. It was storming outside at this point. I was enjoying the swim except for all the debris on the water.

Next, Brian and I drove out to a field. We got out of the car and talked for a while. I know there was more to it then that but I can't remember. I should have started writing this dream right away. At any rate, we started driving through the field to leave, and there were people everywhere...truckers, children - people camping out and cooking out. Brian kept almost hitting people with his car, without seeming to care much. At one point, a person got in his way and he reached out of his window with a giant pair of tongs and moved the person out of the way. I couldn't believe it, and said something like, "You displaced that person...with tongs!"

That's about all I remember from the dream. The last part of the dream was particularly absurd and could be seen as amusing, yet for some reason I woke up unnerved. Shortly after I first met Brian, in real life, we were sleeping in my bed together and I felt like he had intruded my dream. I thought he was a psychic vampire. I'm not sure if I believe in things like that anymore or not.

What troubles me more is the question of evil. I'm not sure if good and evil are simply based on the choices we make as human beings with free will - if they are merely human conceptions that would not otherwise exist, or if good and evil are actually natural forces in this world. Sometimes I believe pure evil exists, and I have this feeling inside that tells me Brian was the kind of peson capable of evil, in a serial killer, child molester type of way. I took comfort in his presence in the dream. I guess that's what really disturbs me.

German Class

2006-12-05T12:27:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of my German 101 class. It was a good group.

Ich bin traurig.

Snowless

2006-12-01T14:25:00.001-05:00

This is what it looks like outside of my brother's window in Milwaukee right now.

And this is what it looks like here.

I think I'm suffering from ennui

2006-11-26T11:49:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's just the tryptophan. Maybe it's the existential form of despair that comes with being a human being. Maybe it's the fact that this lovely Thanksgiving break is almost at its end. I don't really know what it is, but listening to the Smiths is really helping.

I feel like an addict today. I feel hungry for damage and self-destruction. I feel done. I want to drink dry merlot and smoke black cigarettes. I want something. I want nothing.

Later, when it's warm, I will roam the neighborhood and drink in sunshine.

That's probably all I need.

PS3

2006-11-18T09:49:00.000-05:00

My friend Jack amuses me.

Best Buy interview

Emerson and Peirce

2006-11-04T10:33:00.000-05:00

When Emerson writes about circles, he is writing about reality and our perspectives of reality. Each of our individual circles represents how we see the world. When our perspectives grow, our circles expand and become larger, and our hope is that we will come to understand the infinite circle which is reality. However, because reality is an infinite circle, it is not something that is fixed, and therefore, not something that we can ever come to know by expanding our circles. When we try to understand reality by expanding our circles, we find that it is a futile endeavor and that ultimately our circles bind us and keep us from grasping any ultimate truth. Our circles are not infinite, and can never expand so fully as to enable us to have a perspective that embraces the entirety of the infinite reality circle.

Emerson’s solution to this problem is seeking truth through introspection. If we see ourselves as a point in the center of the circle, we are no longer bound by the circle because a point has no dimensions or constraints. It is only by looking inward that we can find truth. If we look inward, we see that we are truth because we are god, and consequently, we are everyone and everywhere because all is god. This means that we are boundless and not constrained by circles.

If the irritation of doubt is what causes one to seek out truth, then in order for one to adopt an Emersonian pursuit of inward truth seeking, one must have genuine practical doubt about their ability to find truth in external reality. This doubt is most likely not one that is commonly found amongst people. Most people seem to believe that truth can be found through one’s perspective of the world. According to pragmatists like Peirce, if one were to hypothetically suppose that their external perspective will not lead to truth, they would not be experiencing genuine practical doubt, but only hypothetical doubt. In order for one to have genuine doubt, they must truly doubt their ability to grasp truth externally, and not merely hypothesize about it. Although a person with this type of genuine doubt is most likely rare, I believe it is possible for them to exist. The rarity of this type of genuine doubt has to do with people’s strength. There is a certain amount of comfort in believing that our perspectives will lead us to truth. When Emerson describes the type of person who can escape boundaries, he describes a type of person who is strong. It is perhaps this strength that enables one to abandon the comfort of believing truth can be found externally, and pursue truth inwardly instead.

On a side note, I think that there’s something interesting about viewing Emerson from a pragmatist’s perspective because Emerson’s methods do in fact lead us to fixation of belief, just as Peirce wanted. If coming into contact with differing opinions causes us to doubt our beliefs, then seeking truth inwardly avoids all future doubts because it disregards the disagreement that comes with varying perspectives in the external world. While Peirce would more than likely reject Emerson’s disposal of external reality as a source of truth, I believe he would admire the ability of Emerson’s methods to fixate a belief.

That does it

2006-10-28T08:11:00.000-05:00

I'm blogging on myspace now.

Herbst

2006-10-12T11:22:00.000-05:00

It is currently 33 degrees in Milwaukee with a 30% chance of snow. It is 60 degrees here in Knoxville. Words cannot express how glad I am to be here.

The first round of tests

2006-09-29T12:24:00.000-05:00

I had my first German test last Friday, and then tests in both Geology and Geography on Monday. My results were:

German - 94%
Geography - 84%
Geology - 97%

Since my knowledge of Geography has always been embarrassingly limited I thought it would be a good idea to take a Geography class. That might not have been the best idea I've ever had, but I'm pretty sure I can do better than an 84% next time. My attention was split between Geography and Geology this time. I was much more frightened of Geology, so I studied it to death and ended up blowing the test away. I've never gotten such a high grade in a science class in my life. I always figured science just wasn't my thing, but I may have been wrong about that. I'm wrong about a lot of stuff, and often.

My first Philosophy test at UT isn't until the end of next week. I think I'm starting to lose my passion for Nietzsche, and that makes me sad. It also makes me second guess my decision to study German, but I have no intention of ditching my German studies now that I've gotten started. I think I may take both French and German. If I had more time in my schedule I would study Latin as well, but it has occurred to me that I might like to actually graduate at some point, and move on to grad school. Someday I will study Latin. And maybe Greek. And perhaps Spanish. Japanese might even be interesting. As an undergrad I will narrow my focus to German and French. I've contemplated minoring in something but my interests are so broad that I think a minor would be really limiting. Strangely enough, it would not be very difficult for me to double major with Psychology. I seem to have unconsciously accumulated a lot of credits in Psychology through the years. The thing is, though, I'm not even sure if I really like Psychology - I just know that I'm good at it. Anyway, as for now I am sticking with just the Philosophy major. The classes that remain aside from core requirements will represent the scattered nature of my interests. Perhaps some Literature courses, a touch of Classics, some Art History. I'm not sure what else yet.

I'm started to get involved in a couple things on campus. I went to one meeting for Philosophy club, and didn't like it a whole lot. Some of the people were interesting and had some good things to say, but there was also the presence of the worst kind of philosophy major personality - the pompous 20 year old pipe smoking passionless analytical conversation hog. I actually felt physically ill for days after hearing some of the comments made at this meeting. Anyway, I suppose I should try going again but I'm afraid of how I might feel afterwards. An activity I feel less ambiguous about is being part of the support staff for UT's literary magazine, the Phoenix. I went to my first meeting for that on Wednesday and overall I liked everyone there and had a tremendously good time. I forgot how much I enjoy criticizing other people's creative efforts.

There's another organization I'm thinking of becoming involved in, but I'm not going to talk about it until I really do get involved. I'd also like to join a choir, but probably not on campus. Maybe something Unitarian.

This post is becoming extremely long. This is what comes of not posting often enough. When I do post it becomes a manic outpouring of writing that I hadn't planned for. There is however, one other thing I want to mention that has been going on with me lately. I've been realizing that a lot of the products I purchase come from companies that engage in animal testing. I'm going to stop doing that. It's astounding how much regular everyday stuff is tested on animals. I can't believe it never occured to me before. From now on I'm going to be more careful about what I buy. I've been doing a lot of research and finding good alternatives for things I use regularly. I think I'll feel a lot better once everything is replaced. Don't worry, I'm not going to join PETA or anything. I still think their practices are unethical, although I must admit that their website is a good resource for finding which companies do and do not test on animals. Since I'm an animal lover I think it's time that I start acting like an animal lover, and less like a typical American consumer mindlessly purchasing things without giving a second thought to how they're produced.

And, speaking of animals, we are thinking of adding another to our family. Nik wants a puppy, and naturally, I want a kitten, or a cat. What we really need is a house so that we can get both.

I think I can actually do this

2006-09-09T07:52:00.000-05:00

My classes at UT are seeming a lot less intimidating to me now. I've been working with the CD that came with my Geology book, and it has helped tremendously. I'm pretty sure that I nailed the first quiz in lab too. German is very demanding, but I think I'm keeping my head above water. As long as I never let myself fall behind I'll do allright. I think that's what happened to me when I took French in high school - I fell behind and could never catch up. I wish I would have taken high school seriously, but I'm not big on whining about the past. I'm more into doing the best I can now. If reincarnation exists I'll take high school seriously next time. In fact, I think I'll be a straight A student from first grade on. Either that or I'll come back as a starving orphan in some underdeveloped country, or a bunny rabbit. I think bunny rabbits know stuff.

Nik and I went to the Tennessee Valley fair last night. We rode on lots of rides and had a really good time right up until that last ride. That last ride was evil. My hands were shaking when I got off of it and I felt terrible for hours afterwards. It reminded me of what my life used to be like before I stopped drinking. Blah. I felt so horrible I wanted to go straight home after the fair instead of attending the interest meeting for Philosophy Club at UT. I'm really kicking myself for missing that, but I'm going to try to still get involved with Philosophy Club. As non-social and non-conformist as I'm being, it would still be nice to be involved in something.

There isn't a lot going on that I want to be a part of. Lots of Greek organizations, political stuff, religious stuff, etc. I may go to German table on Monday. Nik has a sort of a martial arts class around the same time, so we're planning on going downtown together and then meeting up after our seperate activities to go see Harry Belafonte. I love Harry Belafonte, ever since I saw him on the Muppet Show. He's so full of positive energy. Even with my semi-dark personality, I find it contagious. Nik thought he had died. I told him he must be thinking of Tito Puente. Has anyone else noticed that a lot of people who have guest starred on The Simpsons have died soon afterwards? Purely coincidence, I'm sure.

I tamper with the idea of visiting Germany either next summer or the summer after. Right now the idea of visiting Germany with the very limited understanding of the German language that I have is terrifying, but I have to remember that I'll have learned much more by the time I actually go. The summer programs are six weeks long. I don't think I could handle being away from home and studying abroad for a whole semester, but six weeks might be manageable. Mostly I worry that my cat's diabetes will start acting up again while I'm away. I don't know. It's something to think about.

Overall, life is good, except that I work tomorrow. I hate my job and don't want to do it anymore. Right now I only work on Fridays and Sundays, but I think I'm going to cut down to just Sundays. The only thing that keeps me from quitting altogether is the desire to be able to say that I worked at a certain place for a certain amount of time. I don't care at all about the money, and the work itself seems utterly pointless. A steady work history though, would be a nice thing to have. So I'll hang on for a while, keep my head down for one day a week, and weeks will go by.

study time

2006-08-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

It's becoming increasingly apparent to me that I'm going to need to study more if I'm going to make it at UT. Study habits that got me A's at UW Milwaukee aren't going to cut it here. I'm terrible at Geology. That's ok. I'll read the chapters over and over again if I have to. I'll make 8 trillion notecards. I'll memorize the properties of every rock and mineral. I'll do whatever it takes. I was planning on working a little over 20 hours a week while going to school, but I've cut that down to 12 now, so that should help.

I can't wait to get this science requirement out of the way.

UT

2006-08-12T07:30:00.000-05:00

I have been admitted to the University of Tennessee.

I actually did it.

Ducks and things

2006-08-07T05:19:00.000-05:00

Nik and I went to the Knoxville Rubber Duck race on Saturday. It's the first time I've gone out and done something in a while, other than going to work. I lost someone very close to me and life hasn't been the same since. Everytime something big happens I feel like a part of reality breaks off and becomes a new reality. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm still me and life is still going on around me, but nothing will ever be the same.

I think writing about death while posting a picture of a giant duck makes the giant duck seem even more absurd.

This is the VID (very important duck) boat in which rich people can watch the rubber ducks being dropped into the water.

I'd post a picture of the rubber ducks racing but when thousands of ducks are dumped into a huge river you can't really distinguish one from the next, it's just a big yellow blob floating on the water.

We had a good time except I got sunburned on one shoulder, and we were starving because we refused to buy overpriced greasy food. I could go on a tangent about how fat everyone is, and how there's never anything healthy to eat at events. People eat whatever they're sold, and then they wonder why they gain weight. It's all so stupid. Eating greasy foods = getting fat. It's not complicated. Anyway, next year we'll bring sandwiches, and ride on the $10 non-VID boat.

Milwaukee

2006-07-18T06:11:00.000-05:00

We have to go back, but we're making it as brief as possible. There was a death in the family, so we're going to spend Wednesday driving to Milwaukee, Thursday doing funeral stuff, and Friday driving back to Knoxville. I'll probably spend more time driving than I actually will in Milwaukee.

I can't shake the feeling that I'm letting people down at work, even though I know everyone understands. I was supposed to work 35 hours this week. Everything was all planned out. And I'm an asshole because a man has died and these are the things I'm thinking about.

I had strange dreams last night. I don't remember all of them, but one of them involved a bathroom at my cousin's house. I went to use the bathroom, and when I got inside it, I couldn't find the light switch. There were about six different switches on the wall, but none of them turned the lights on. Finally I turned on the lights somehow, but when I looked at the toilet I saw that the tile and floor had been torn up around it, and there were plumbers and contractors standing around the toilet deciding how to proceed. Then the walls of the bathroom were no longer walls, they were trees in a forest, and people kept walking right into the bathroom like it was part of a nature hike. Ultimately I decided to wait.

In another dream I was with a group of people, and everyone was drinking and gathering around in a circle. Maybe there was a bonfire. I'm not sure. What I do remember is that there was a cold glass of beer sitting on the ground, waiting for me to drink it, but I never did, I just let it sit there on the ground.

I find more and more that my dreams involve me making the choice not to drink rather than actually drinking. I did feel drunk in the dream though, and I didn't like it.

It's going to be a surreal day. I have to work, and then I have to come home and pack, and make sure everything is in order before we leave tomorrow. None of that sounds surreal but I know it will feel that way.

2006-07-10T17:59:00.001-05:00

I have participated in the workshop Sowing the Seeds of Our Culture and I agree to live the culture by "walking the talk" and fulfilling the commitments I made for the organizational values.

yippee.

Rubber Duck Race

2006-07-06T16:30:00.000-05:00

This has to be the best thing about living in Knoxville.

Duck Commercial

Movies are bad

2006-07-06T14:14:00.000-05:00

We went to see Superman Returns yesterday. It was bad. Really bad. It made me sick it was so bad. I wish Brian Singer would have done the third X-Men movie instead, but even though X-Men 3 turned out bad, it was still better than Superman.

I don't think I want to go to the movies anymore. My IQ dropped at least 10 points from watching the previews. Why do people find bathroom humor funny? Why is the suffering of animals a joke? Everywhere around me there is garbage. Advertisments, propaganda, things telling me what to buy, what to think, what to laugh at and so on. And it works. I look around me and see people eating it up with a spoon, and I just feel like throwing up.

If we ever have any kids we're going to raise them weird. No Disney movies. No Barney. No Barbies. No McDonalds. No herd mentality.

Hello Kitty, however, rocks.

Cheesy lyrics

2006-07-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

I woke up with this in my head this morning. I think it's a song that I lack the musical ability to actually write.

Take from the liars and take from the fools.
Decide who you want to be. Make your own rules.
The world already has plenty of sheep.
Decide your own motives. Decide to be free.

Don’t ever try to be…don’t ever try to be
Someone you’re not just to fit to society.
Don’t ever try to be…don’t ever try to be
Anything less than the person you oughta be.

Take from the liars and take from the fools.
This is your world now. Do as you choose.
Groups are ok if they’re following you.
The life of a dead man is nothing to lose.

College Confusion

2006-07-01T07:52:00.000-05:00

I've called the University of Tennessee to inquire about my missing transcript, and they claim to have it. Still, whenever I check my admission status online, it says the transcript is missing. I've called again only to have someone look at the exact same web page and tell me over the phone that my transcript hasn't been processed yet. Very helpful.

I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of enrolling at Pellissippi State and getting some basic requirements out of the way, but I'm not sure. I've already gone to three different colleges, so I'd hate to needlessly add to the list. If I keep holding out hope for things to go through at UT, all of the classes I want to take at Pellissippi might fill up, but if I have my transcripts sent to Pellissippi and then I get admitted to UT, I will have thrown money away by needlessly sending out transcripts. UT requires 30 credits to be taken at UT in order to graduate from there. I could do that in two semesters easily, and I figured I'd be in school for at least another two years. I could spend one year at Pellissippi taking all of the math and science crap that's required and then have nothing but fun courses left when I get to UT next year. I could probably get an associates degree pretty easily from Pellissippi too. I don't know. Such chaos and confusion.

I need to make an appointment with a counselor at UT. Of course, I would realize that on a Saturday, on the weekend of the 4th of July.

On the plus side, I've met some people online who live in Knoxville, who seem like they'd make good friends for Nik and me. They live in the same part of town as us, and have a daughter and six cats. We may get together with them on the 4th of July to watch the fireworks at World's Fair Park. Either way, I want to watch fireworks on the 4th. I don't know why. Apparently I enjoy a herd of people simultaneously oohing and ahhing while colors explode into the sky.

Life in Knoxville

2006-06-17T06:30:00.000-05:00

I got a job at a major department store, and so far I really like it. Our department handles all of the sales, markdowns and signs throughout the store. The best thing about it is that we work independantly, so we can go anywhere in the store at anytime, unlike a cashier who's stuck in one place all day. Also we can take breaks or lunch whenever we want to without letting anyone know. I figured I'd work whatever hours they give me over the summer and then work one or two days a week when I go back to school. I still don't know what's going on with school. My transcript from UW Waukesha seems to have vanished. I'll have to call somebody about that on Monday.

I met somebody at work who told me about this thing called Sundown in the City that happens downtown every Thursday night. It's basically a free concert. (At least, I think it's always free) Anyway, Nik and I went down there on Thursday night and checked out Marc Broussard. He's ok. There's really one song we really like of his and we didn't stay long enough to hear it. It got way too crowded. Unfortunately, we missed They Might Be Giants. Next week seems promising because Rhett Miller is playing. I'm also excited that Fiona Apple is coming to the Tennessee Theater on August 5th. I'm going to buy tickets as soon as I get a couple of paychecks. I hope it doesn't sell out before then. There's also an annual music festival going on this weekend called Bonnaroo. It's one of those all weekend things where people camp out and lots of bands play. Maybe we'll be able to afford to go next year.

There's a lot of other things we're excited about here in Knoxville. There's a Super Target that has a full line of groceries, including organic produce and Einstein bagels. There's also a clothing store called Goody's that has a lot of good sale prices. I bought two shirts and another pair of black pants for work yesterday and spent $30 overall. Yesterday we checked out the Disc Exchange. It's kind of like The Exclusive Company but with a much bigger selection of both new and used stuff. They also have a wide selection of LP's and independent music. I mean really, really independent. I hadn't heard of a single one of the artists in that section. One band was called The Fucking Champs. They seem kinda heavy for me, but I like the name. I bought Regina Spektor's new album. I wanted to buy so much more but we're pretty broke after all of the expenses of relocating. If I had more money I would have bought Muse's new album. Oh yes, if any of you Milwaukee people like Muse you should know they're coming to Chicago on July 27th.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'm sure I'll find out about more fun Knoxville things in due time.

hmm

2006-06-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

Now that I can go online at home I can't think of anything to do online. Actually, I can't think of anything to do in general. I walked to the Old Mill Bread Co. and filled out an application this morning. I talked to the guy who runs the place, and everything went really well except that when he told me that he's from Fort Wayne I said that I'd been there and it was really dull. I probably shouldn't have said that, but I don't think it really hurt anything. The position is a part-time, fill in as needed kind of thing, which sounds fine to me. After I walked back home I got into my bathing suit and hung out by the pool for a while reading Sartre. I'm also reading the Autobiography of Malcom X, which was first on my summer reading list. I'm about half way through it. Mostly I wanted to read it so that I can learn more about the Nation of Islam. Plus I can always identify with a good life transformation story.

I don't really mind not knowing anyone here. It's taken me years to realize that I'm not the kind of person who needs tons of people in my life. I'm pretty content on my own. Of course, I have a husband, so I'm not really on my own. It's more like we're on our own. Maybe when school starts I'll meet people, but right now I'm not pressing the issue.

I'm sleepy. I think I may nap. It feels like a perfect summer afternoon for napping. TTFN.

not quite a 4.0

2006-06-01T09:42:00.000-05:00

I'm at the library right now. I'd like to be able to get online at home but I'm not sure when that's going to happen. On Tuesday I came here and checked my UWM grades. I got an A in every one of my classes except English. I got an A- in English because of a B- I got on a paper about the Minister's Black Veil. I'm pretty happy, but I wish I would have gotten a 4.0 because I know that I could have. I could have done extra credit for English or something. I also officially applied to the University of Tennessee on Tuesday. Now there's nothing to do but wait. My transcripts should be there already. We have Tennessee driver's licenses now, and a Tennessee license plate on our car. We have local phone numbers. We are officially here. We actually did it.

Nik's friend Seth helped us get moved in and took us for a tour of Knoxville. I like him. He reminds me of a combination of people I've known before. Everyone else that we've met here has also been very helpful and nice. Southern hospitality actually seems to exist here, even though most everyone we've met is also from somewhere else. Our neighbor Howard is from Ohio. We bought a bed from a salesman from Michigan, and we met a guy downstairs from us who seemed to be British, but I think he's gone now because he wanted our boxes.

Getting here was rough. I did nearly all of the driving, from 2 am until about 3 in the afternoon. I would never think that I could drive a 16 foot truck that was hauling all of my posessions including my cats and my car for 13 hours, but I did it. I have no desire to do it again. I didn't sleep for two days. When we got here and had to sign the lease I felt like I was in another world, yet everyone kept talking to me as if everything was normal. It was crazy, and when it was finally ok to sleep, I didn't even want to anymore. I was too loopy. I was rambling. I was manic.

I'm hoping to work part time here but so far I've had no luck securing a job. Maybe I'll hear from someone today. Nik and I are considering seeing the new X-Men movie today, even though we know it's going to be bad.

Well, I guess that's about it. I'm glad to be here, although part of me still can't believe it's real. There are many people in Milwaukee that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to. I wanted to, but I ran out of time. Sorry about that.

Strange Dreams

2006-05-18T14:57:00.000-05:00

I dreamt last night that after finishing a philosophy final I realized I had forgotten to answer a long essay question at the end of the test. I found the TA and she gave me my exam back, but I still couldn't focus on the question. Then I was back in high school. My old teacher, Mrs. Kussler was there along with several other people from high school. Also, my classics professor from this term, who was deemed too ill to continue teaching the course two weeks before the end of the semester, was there. She looked horrible. Mrs. Kussler said that my professor had some sort of illness that was like a combination of schitzophrenia and cancer. She opened my classics instructer's skull and removed a huge worm from her brain. Removing it cured the cancer-schitzophrenia. I blame the worm aspect of my dream on the following Nietzsche quote that I recently referred to in a paper:

"For some, life turns out badly: a poisonous worm eats its way to their heart. Let them see to it that their dying turns out that much better." -from Thus Spoke Zarathustra

I am finished with finals as of today. My sciatica seems to have cleared up on its own after a week and a half of suffering.

Time to finish packing. Time to say my goodbyes.

I think I have Sciatica

2006-05-10T18:51:00.000-05:00

Sciatica would explain the constant feeling of pins and needles throughout my leg that I've been experiencing all week, the pain in my leg, the muscle spasms and the fact that my leg seems to crumble beneath me whenever I try to use it. Sciatica is usually caused by a herniated spinal disc, and the best thing for it is bed rest, but seeing as I have finals to take and boxes to pack, bed rest is completely out of the question. I have no idea what caused this. I just woke up on Sunday in a lot of pain. I suppose I should see a doctor, or more specifically, a doctor should see me. It really doesn't matter if I actually see him.

I've often felt this way

2006-04-29T00:48:00.000-05:00

"Objects should not touch because they are not alive. You use them, put them back in place, you live among them: they are useful, nothing more. But they touch me, it is unbearable. I am afraid of being in contact with them as though they were living beasts."

-Jean Paul Sartre, Nausea

Take me to another place

2006-03-27T13:15:00.000-05:00

It's official. We are moving to Knoxville at the end of May. We have to stay here long enough for me to finish out the semester at UWM. I'm doing extrememly well in school so I don't think transferring to the University of Tennessee will be a problem.

Things I'll miss...
Friends and Family
Rochambo
Living in Bay View
Groppi's
The Brewers
Bob and Brian in the morning
Alterra
Outpost
Lake Michigan
Going out for Chinese with my Mom
Menards
Cousins Subs
Thrifty's thrift store
Thanksgiving at my cousins' house
The Philosophy department at UW Waukesha

Kandinsky was an Existentialist

2006-03-03T18:48:00.000-05:00

When we were covering Kandinsky in my Art History class the other day, I couldn't help thinking about Kierkegaard. Since Kierkegaard thought the only truth we are capable of knowing is subjective truth, he believed in using indirect methods of communication, which are not organized systematically and have to be experienced by the individual uniquely in order for the individual to arrive at subjective truth. God cannot be understood with objective reason because he is a paradox. Kandinsky appears to have used an indirect method of communication as well. Like Kierkegaard, he wanted to convey a spiritual message, and clearly his method of painting forces one to become involved in the painting and experience it on an individual, subjective level.

2006-02-24T21:48:00.000-05:00

It doesn't change a thing, I know.
You have an idea.
You have a belief.
You call a number "four" thinking
"four" somehow has meaning.

You don't believe in unicorns.
You don't believe in make-believe.

You understand empirically what is
or can and cannot be.
You live in a world called
"reality" and it doesn't change a thing.

Schizophrenic Subjectivity

2006-02-21T20:15:00.000-05:00

And yes I will marry you
and yes this is true
and yes I was born out of
dad and you. Consult your egg
for the next thing to do - the
yolk is what's dead, the white
is the truth. And dad is ok,
he's a part of you too, and yes,
he's a part of me too.
And yes, the voices really are
out to get you, and believing
really does make things true.

The Truth According to O'Brien

2006-02-18T12:33:00.000-05:00

When a story begins with the line “This is true,” as in O’Brien’s “How to Tell a True War Story,” the reader is immediately led to question whether or not the story is actually true. Just as Poe’s narrator’s claim about not being “mad” leads the reader to question his sanity in "The Tell-Tale Heart," the opening line in “How to Tell a True War Story” suggests the possibility of the story not being true, merely by claiming that it is true. “This is true” is a statement that is non-falsifiable. O’Brien claims that the story he tells is true, but merely claiming that something is true does not make it so, which is perhaps, one of the point’s O’Brien is making about truth.

A common belief about truth is that it is self-evident. By this rational, if a story is true, the storyteller will not start off by attempting to convince us that it is true. People tend to believe that which is believable and disbelieve things that seem outlandish and far-fetched. Because of this tendency, O’Brien’s claim that his story is true leads to suspicion. However, O’Brien suggests that common notions about truth are incorrect, and that “often the crazy stuff is true and the normal stuff isn’t because the normal stuff is necessary to make you believe the truly incredible craziness.”

Another incorrect notion about truth, according to O’Brien, is that a true story will have some kind of moral to it. “If a story seems moral, do not believe it,” he tells his readers. For O’Brien, the truth just is. It needs no moral lesson attached to it in order to achieve higher meaning. However, there is some ambiguity on this point, as seen later in the story when Sanders tries to attach a moral to his story about the soldiers hearing music in the mountains. This attempt at a moral lesson coupled with Sanders’ admission of embellishing details makes the story appear false, but it is still possible that the story is true.

Kierkegaard believed that the only truth we are capable of knowing is subjective truth. O’Brien appears to agree with this idea when he admits that when telling a war story “what seems to happen becomes its own happening and has to be told that way.” The truth that anyone knows is known to them through their own experience, and is therefore, always subjective. With this in mind, a story with false details may not necessarily be a false story, but a true story that developed embellished details because of the story teller’s personal perspective.

O’Brien also admits that sometimes a true war story is “just beyond telling.” This statement suggests that the truth is ineffable – it can not be expressed or understood. Sometimes truth is something that is beyond our grasp. The term “ineffability” is often ascribed to God or spiritual experiences. Taken in this light, O’Brien could seem to be describing truth as something comparable to God, and given the contradictions that arise in attempting to understand God, the comparison is not without merit.

The truth is contradictory. “In a true war story nothing much is ever very true” and “the only certainty is absolute ambiguity.” This contradiction exists in truth because it exists in life. O’Brien describes war as being close to death, and in being close to death we are most alive. Every person’s life is full of opposing, paradoxical forces – love and hate, body and soul, life and death. It is only natural that expressing the truth of experience will be paradoxical as well. In this paradox of truth, it is possible for a story that never happened to be true. This notion once again rests on the subjective nature of truth. For Kierkegaard, if we are passionate about something it becomes our subjective truth – that which we would live or die for. Likewise, for O’Brien, if we care about whether or not a story is true, it is true, even if it never happened.

more fun email stuff

2006-02-16T21:43:00.000-05:00

A friend sent me to a page that gages how well you know you're own personality. If you know me, take a moment and pick six characteristics that describe me here and make one for yourself if it amuses you.

Questions

2006-02-11T22:03:00.000-05:00

I got one of those email questionnaire things today that you're supposed to pass along, but I never know who to send them to, so I thought I'd just post it on my blog instead.

1. What is your occupation? I don’t work, I just go to school
2. What color are your socks right now? I’m not wearing any
3. What are you listening to right now? Rasputina
4. What was the last thing that you ate? A fruit roll up.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? NO
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? yellow
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My brother
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Sure
9. How old are you today? 26
10. Favorite drink? Iced Tea.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? baseball.
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes. I used to dye it burgundy
13. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Neither
14. Pets? 4 cats. Yes, 4.
15. Favorite food? Soup.
16. What was the last movie you watched? Hobgobins, or rather, an episode of MST3K featuring Hobgoblins.
17. Favorite day of the year? It varies. Any day in summer is good.
18. What do you do to vent anger? Go for walks or short jogs. Or write.
19. Favorite toy as a child? Happy Apple.
20. Fall or Spring? Fall – it’s warmer than Spring in Wisconsin.
21. Hugs or kisses? Either
22. Cherry or Blueberry? Cherry
23. Do you want your friends to email you back? Not applicable since I’m posting this on my blog
24. Who is most likely to respond? N/A
25. Who is least likely to respond? N/A
26. Living arrangements? Husband, four cats, apartment in Bay View.
27. When was the last time you cried? A couple of days ago when I broke the coffee pot
28. What is on the floor of your closet? Everything.
29. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Mark and Danny
30. What did you do last night? Did laundry, watched Futurama on DVD
31. Favorite smell? anything citrus
32. What inspires you? Philosophy classes
33. What are you afraid of? People.
34. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? plain
35. Favorite car? Jeep
36. Favorite dog breed? Siberian Husky
37. Number of keys on your key ring? 8, I think.
38. How many years at your current job? Not working, but I usually quit jobs at around 3 months.
39. Favorite day of the week? Monday, I know it sounds weird, but I only have one class and it’s a Philosophy class.
40. How many states have you lived in? 1 so far
41. Favorite holiday(s)? Probably Thanksgiving.
42. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? Does a U-Haul count?
43. Don't you hate these stupid things? Sometimes.

Things I can't stand

2006-02-04T17:11:00.000-05:00

01. The Beastie Boys
02. Girls who talk on their cell phones in the bathroom
03. Loudmouth idiots who take philosophy classes
04. Football
05. People who mix religion with politics, or try to convert the world to their beliefs
06. Easy Rawlins
07. Gwen Stefani
08. Toyota commercials
09. Yoplait commercials
10. Commercials
11. People who pass on the right
12. Tim Allen
13. Everybody Loves Raymond
14. clothing that is fluffy and pink
15. The Bob and Tom show

The Tell-Tale Heart

2006-02-01T14:10:00.000-05:00

When reading Poe’s story of “The Tell-Tale Heart”, one is immediately confronted with the question of whether or not the narrator is “mad”. The narrator insists that he is not “mad”, but as Shakespeare illustrated when he said “the lady doth protest too much”, the narrator’s denial of being “mad” only helps to convince us that he is, in fact, insane.

In a modern court of law, if the narrator attempted to plead insanity, he would not be found insane because his actions were premeditated. He carefully planned to kill the old man, and followed through on that plan with complete awareness of his actions. However, the narrator does exhibit certain signs of mental illness throughout the story. His meticulous attention to detail demonstrates an obsessive-compulsive nature, he shows clear signs of paranoia, and his detachment from human emotion borders on sociopathic.

The narrator’s obsessive-compulsive nature is illustrated in his careful planning of the murder. He plans to kill the man long before he actually accomplishes the task, and sneaks in to watch the man sleep, giving much thought to every detail of the murder. The narrator is also particularly pleased with himself that there was “nothing to wash out – no stain of any kind – no blood-spot whatsoever”. The narrator’s obsession with the old man’s eye also shows a preoccupation with appearances, and he even describes himself as having an “over-acuteness of the sense”.

The narrator also shows signs of paranoia throughout the story. For one, we see that he believes that the old man’s eye has some special power when he says “no human eye – not even his could have detected anything wrong”. In reality, the old man’s eye was probably useless and unable to see a thing, but the narrator believed it to be evil and somehow more capable of seeing than the average eye. The narrator also demonstrates paranoia when he is being questioned by the police and believes that they can hear the imagined beating of the dead man’s heart as he can. “They heard! – they suspected! – they knew! – they were making a mockery of my horror!”

The narrator’s semi-sociopathic nature is shown in his detachment from human emotion and his ability to imitate emotions that he does not actually feel. However, it is important to note that the narrator is not a true sociopath in the strict definition of the word. Two signs of a sociopath are an inability to control impulses and a lack of moral sense, both of which are displayed in the narrator’s murder of the old man.

Although the narrator detaches himself from human emotion, it is clear that he still feels guilt and sympathy, though he tries to suppress these feelings. This is shown when the narrator says “I knew what the old man felt, and pitied him, although I chuckled at heart.” The narrator’s feelings of sympathy are brief and fleeting, and are quickly replaced by an actual feeling of pleasure over another person’s suffering.

The heart, which can be seen as a symbol of life, can also be seen as a symbol of emotion. Before killing the old man, the narrator hears the heart beating and it increases his fury. This fury, which could be described as a human emotion, is suppressed when the narrator kills the old man.

Although the narrator is able to feign the appearance of ease while being questioned by police, he is only able to suppress his feelings up to a certain point. His feeling of guilt, in particular, is no longer something he can detach from and presents itself in the beating of the dead man's heart. The narrator is haunted by the beating of the heart because it connects him with life – it reminds him that he is a human being with an emotion of guilt that is no longer suppressible. Hence, the narrator is not a true sociopath, but simply a man who exhibits some sociopathic tendencies.

Through the narrator’s obsessive-compulsive behavior, paranoia and sociopathic behavior, we can see that he does demonstrate some signs of mental illness, but the question still remains as to whether or not he is truly “mad”. To call him “mad” would suggest that he is not responsible for his own behavior, but his careful planning and deliberation of the murder show that he knew full well what he was doing, and his unavoidable guilt shows that he knew his actions were wrong.

2006-01-24T22:15:00.000-05:00

I have absolutely nothing to say.

Organic Shopping List

2006-01-09T00:55:00.000-05:00

Nate’s Meatless Meatballs
Shelton’s Chicken Soup
Wallaby Organic Non-Fat Yogurt
Bossa Nova Juice (10 oz.)
Nutritious Living Hi-Lo Cereal
Calbee Pea Crisps (original flavor)
Glutino Breadsticks (2 varieties)
Robert’s Booty Puffed Snack
Genisoy Natural Potato Crisps
Jyoti Indian Side Dishes
Heinz Organic Ketchup

In Dreams

2006-01-01T10:41:00.000-05:00

“In dreams you are never eighty”
-Anne Sexton

Pajama me alone tonight.
What hasn’t been then, isn’t it was,
Together asleep, no one awake,
Anyone? Anyone?

JC in the OP

2005-12-26T01:28:00.000-05:00

I just finished an Ethics course in which we read some readings from John Rawls’ A Theory of Justice. Rawls proposes that all social justice should be decide in the original position, or as my ethics professor called it, the OP. In the OP, people are blind to their individual circumstances…They don’t know if they are black or white, rich or poor, male or female and so forth. Because of this blindness, when deciding terms for social justice, people in the OP will agree to terms that are as close to equal as possible. Rawls also has a principle called the difference principle, where no inequality can exist without it benefiting the lesser advantaged.

It’s probably because my Ethics professor used so many acronyms that it occurred to me when I saw a JC bumper sticker to place Jesus Christ in the OP. I’m not big on Christianity, but my theory is that if Jesus Christ was deciding principles in the original position, the crucifixion would have never occurred. Jesus would have been blind to the fact that he was the son of God in the OP, and would therefore simply choose equal principles, not principles that would have subjected someone to being a martyr for the greater good, as a Utilitarian might do.

Gin

2005-12-22T00:24:00.000-05:00

The first time it was like pine-
the sterile smell snuck into
the house disguised as mother
and collapsed on the sofa.
Crowding the room with unconsciousness
and the faintest scent of Opium.

Later, it was a photographer I dated
for two months who took a picture of Bombay
for a magazine ad and took refrigerator acid that
dissolved on his tongue like
West Bend diamonds.

Lime poetry readings,
David Lehman martinis...
a graduate student named Zeke,
East side tree sap
tonic and ice
tonic and ice, tonic and ice…

2005-12-21T00:21:00.000-05:00

Saxophones always remind
me of New York City, even though
I’ve never been there.
Perhaps an immigrant plays
his saxophone at night – echoing and
dancing among the city lights in
lonely thick soprano tones,
in a place rich with
dreams and saxophones.

Cod Liver

2005-12-20T00:07:00.000-05:00

I keep leaving the p out of hapiness.
When it's time to change the laundry,
I open the fridge. Omega-3 fatty acids
come from game meat or fish,
Eat well, live long…
and repair the lapsed synapse.

A Holiday Poem

2005-12-19T19:32:00.000-05:00

Every year
the year goes by like
survivable Christmas suicide.
Two-thousand-three
Two-thousand-four
Two-thousand-five
Maybe this winter,
maybe this time.

Family Dinner

2005-12-19T19:04:00.000-05:00

There is never enough to eat at these
post-martini dinners-
a carrot a piece, the frozen peas, and you,
your face in the mashed potatoes,
frightening the children.

Euphemisms

2005-12-13T00:35:00.000-05:00

welcome to my taco
find the teacup under the sheet
have a sip of lemonade
park your car in the beef garage

put your hand in the clown’s pocket-
a rented tuxedo of flesh,
a hot pocket,
a ham sandwich,
bacon for breakfast,
a rooster fish

it’s gutted rabbit grilled cheese gold-
a sad little clam, a landing strip, a wound
that will never heal.

A Tribute to Anne Sexton

2005-12-06T02:52:00.000-05:00

I just did my oral repot on Anne Sexton for my poetry class, which included the following biography:

Anne Sexton was born in 1928 in a small town near Boston. Sexton began experimenting with poetry as a teenager, but did not seriously begin writing until late into her 20’s, after her second nervous breakdown. A housewife and mother of two daughters, Sexton seemed to have an ideal life, but was plagued with mental illness and a fascination with suicide. Poetry became her outlet, and for a time, a reason to live.

One of Sexton’s early experiences with poetry began when she saw a program on educational television about sonnets. After learning the form of the sonnet from her mother, Sexton obsessively wrote sonnet after sonnet, and although none ultimately survived to become published, the behavior set a precedent for Sexton’s vigorous approach to poetry.

Sexton regretted her own lack of formal education, but her anxiety and fear of strangers prevented her from going back to school. In retrospect, Sexton’s anxiety and panic attacks seem ironic considering the bravery that exists in her work. Sexton wrote about women’s issues that were shocking for the time, such as menstruation, sexuality and abortion. Sexton also had a tendency to write about death, which she described as “a prerequisite for life”.

The personal honesty of Sexton’s poems earned her the title of confessional poet, one shared by her mentor W.D. Snodgrass, whose poem “Heart’s Needle” reminded Sexton of her own separation from her daughters and inspired her to write “The Double Image”.

Sexton studied with John Holmes, where she met Maxine Kumin. She and Kumin formed a very close relationship, spending hours at a time critiquing each other’s work, and writing children’s books together. Upon Snodgrass’s recommendation, Sexton also studied with Robert Lowell, who helped her publish her first book To Bedlam and Partway Back.

Sexton wrote letters and sent poems to many writers, readily accepting feedback from people she admired. She also had an epistolary relationship with James Wright, which eventually led to a dynamic and passionate affair, one that continued as she produced her second book, All My Pretty Ones.

With two books published, Sexton had become a successful and well-recognized poet, however, it was her third book, Live or Die that received the most recognition by winning a Pulitzer Prize in 1967. Sexton published several other books following this, including Love Poems, The Death Notebooks and The Awful Rowing Toward God
.
Although Sexton’s poetry flourished, she was still plagued by mental illness, as well as an addiction to alcohol and pills. She idealized suicide and looked at the methods of Monroe and Plath as archetypal ways for a woman to kill herself.

Sexton divorced from her husband “Kayo” in the early 1970’s, and further isolated herself from friends and family with needy and erratic behavior. It sounds anti-feminist, but without her husband by her side, Sexton became even more unstable. In 1974 she chose asphyxiation as her method of suicide. She left behind a completed book to be published called 45 Mercy Street.

I also read several selections of Sexton's work in my oral report, but I'm only going to include the first.

THE SUN
from Live or Die

I have heard of fish
coming up for the sun
who stayed forever,
shoulder to shoulder,
avenues of fish that never got back,
all their proud spots and solitudes
sucked out of them.

I think of flies
who come from their foul caves
out into the arena.
They are transparent at first.
Then they are blue with copper wings.
Neither bird nor acrobat
they will dry out like small black shoes.

I am an identical being.
Diseased by the cold and the smell of the house
I undress under the burning magnifying glass.
My skin flattens out like sea water.
O yellow eye,
let me be sick with your heat,
let me be feverish and frowning.
Now I am utterly given.
I am your daughter, your sweet-meat,
your priest, your mouth and your bird
and I will tell them all stories of you
until I am laid away forever,
a thin gray banner.

The poem is copyright of Linda Gray Sexton and Loring Conant, Jr.

The Double Major

2005-11-21T16:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, I had planned to just major in English at UWM, but while planning my curriculum I noticed that I would be able to minor in Philosophy by just taking 3 more Philosophy courses for a total of 21 credits in Philosophy, so I figured, why not? Of course, then I noticed that by taking 30 credits in Philosophy, I could major in it. I think that's what I want to do. I love English and Philosophy equally so I see no point in choosing just one of them. I spent most of last night planning the next 2 1/2 years of my academic life, and a double major looks entirely possible to me. I'm excited, and oddly enough, very motivated. I want to do it all.

I never blog anymore. I make no apologies for that. I don't think anyone would read them if I did.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my brother Eric

I long for another coincidence.

2005-09-19T23:58:00.000-05:00

I’m beginning to think you really don’t exist.
You have no last name, and no address
You exist in imaginary memory wit
that fades every time I recall it.

cat poems

2005-09-17T22:22:00.000-05:00

Merlin

In sunlight your halo shines
Blue eyes realized
white coat divine
a physical ghost in my life.
You put your arms around me
and hang on tight
like a human in fur disguise.

Isabelle

You are green eyes magnified
in furry brown terrific
striped tiger of mine
with one soot black foot
and whiskers so bristle and fine.

Robin

There's hint hue of silver blue in you
Although people can seldom tell
You find hair and burrow in there
And at five, you will always still smell
like a brand new mewing kitten.

Jordan

Grey friend with golden eyes
You are most simply put, my guy
Furry kitten in my hand
who grew up to cat-sized man
14 years of blissful purring life
I insist that you never need die.

on a crowded bus

2005-09-17T19:27:00.000-05:00

I remember you
as from long ago
although we've never met.
Verticle bodies
on horizontal poles
a déjà vu of friendship.

free association

2005-09-09T22:54:00.000-05:00

Don’t be afraid to be narrative
Don’t be afraid to tell a story with the poem
Tell the whole story
Stop leaving parts out
Stop assuming that the reader will assume
They won’t
I pushed my finger into the desk with it’s broken tip
The agony is numbed by my drunkenness
And apparently, I have a cigarette, already lit
Like a smoker or an addict
How funny that I can be normal all week long and be an addict for one night only
I like to be lonely
I like to be alone
My cell phone serves as a book of numbers that I call from home
I know a weird poetry instructor isn’t original
But I swear he’s like nothing I’ve seen before
And I’ve seen weird
Weird is a stupid word
It differentiates only from normal without specifying anything unique
Nothing that is weird is ever like something else that is weird
How can we categorize them as one?
In Canada they say that poets turn to fiction to make a living.
Firer says that a person equally known for fiction and poetry is rare.
It’s usually one or the other.
Poetry consumes.
And the crazy andy political warhol poet says that to truly write a poem, one must be like Whitman, amongst the grass, with nothing but time and space to think in, and those who live the life of daily drab and jobs and scrambling place to place may try to write poetry on the side, but what is the point?
All of this is emotionalized.
It wasn’t what was said, but what I heard.
What I heard is that if I am a poet, why bother being anything else when I should devote all of my energy to defining my true talent?
I hear my dad in my head, telling me to be somebody, to make a living, and I fear my own ambition in poetry I’m afraid that it will leave me poor and empty.
But with poetry I could never be empty.
I could live on the streets.
I could live on my own energy.
I could live on the mere essence of being me, If only, I could always write poetry
in it’s splendid delightful periphery

Like a fish to water...

2005-09-09T21:32:00.000-05:00

I'm back in college, and I feel like I am where I need to be. I know UWM isn't a big school when you consider the whole scheme of huge universities in the world, but to me it always seemed too big, too much to deal with, too overwhelming. Now I find myself wondering why I didn't just go straight to UWM right out of high school. I feel like I am in a real college.

I'm already used to ignoring dimwitted girls with sparkly purses, high heeled shoes, tight fitting jeans and cell phones glued to their ears, back fat hanging out of skin tight tank tops (unashamed, or perhaps, more accurately, unaware), so those people don't really bother me, but in my classes, I am hearing a lot of intelligent people say intelligent things, and I am both surprised and delighted, yet still somehow unintimidated (so far).

The large atmosphere of UWM was criticized by me as an oversight. I had no idea how much anonymity I could find in such a place. Lost in the thousands, I can be myself, because it seems absurd for anyone to single me out in such a scrambling, bustling world.

Healing

2005-09-04T22:00:00.000-05:00

The bandage inches up
and drags beneath the scraping wound.

I know the break is healing now
I know it will heal soon

Just come out with me
right now
but don’t look at me
until next week
I don’t want you to see me
so disoriented and messy.

Lite Brite

2005-08-31T21:58:00.000-05:00

White peg
yellow chicken
red blue
something to do.

I know that I'm too old
to be playing with you,
but you illuminate my boredom
with your 20 year old plug.

Hematoma

2005-08-24T20:25:00.000-05:00

Puffed and purple
dead white pain
throbbing agony

Burn a whole in me
and help me drain
my clotted misery

A whole year and we haven't killed each other

2005-08-21T23:22:00.000-05:00

It was our one year anniversary today. Overall, a very enjoyable day.

We slept in and couldn't decide where to go for lunch, so I packed a picnic and we went to Bay View Park, unable at first to find a decent place to sit down, but eventually finding a fantastic little hill to claim as our own that allowed us a view of people and their dogs walking by without being in their way at all. Unfortunately, some yellow jackets chased us away earlier than we would have liked.

After that we decided to go to a mall for no apparent reason, since we have no real money to spend, and for some odd reason, Nik wanted to drive all of the way to Regency, which I didn't mind because it was a beautiful day for a drive, and he was the one driving for a change.

We didn't stay long at Regency. Nik always forgets how far away it really is, and how it's a small and uninteresting mall, but at least we were fascinated by the light projected advertisements on the floor.

After leaving Racine, there was much debate about whether to go to dinner or a movie first, but we decided on dinner since we were both hungry again. We had thought about Mexican but ended up settling on Red Lobster. Nik had a vodka mixed drink and grilled trout, and I had the Ultimate Feast and a delicious strawberry margarita. When my meal arrived I was reminded of how terribly trained I am at cracking open crab legs, but I ate a lot more of my meal than I ever expected, and was hugely full afterwards.

We opted for a late movie rather than rushing to the theater, and hung out at home for a couple of hours before heading out to the Rosebud to see March of the Penguins. We loved the movie, and the cozy theater with it's comfortable couches and welcoming clientele. It's our new favorite place, and we were excited to learn about the midnight showings of movies at which you can get free popcorn if you attend while wearing pajamas. I am a popcorn fiend, and I have quite an extensive pajama collection, so we're definitely planning on going back. I was also excited to see that they had Newcastle on tap, as well as Harp and Guinness.

So that about wraps it up for our anniversery. The first year of marriage has not always been easy, but we have both grown individually and closer together along the way. Sometimes I can't believe that I'm married, it's similar to the same feeling I get when I'm overwhelmed with the thought of my own existence. But still, I exist, and there exists this person that I have somehow found that loves me with all of my quirks and disgusting human imperfections. It is, to say the least, incredible.

Blah

2005-08-17T19:35:00.000-05:00

I think everyone has lost interest in this blog, including me. Maybe someday I'll come up with something to write about again. I am burnt out on haikus. I am burnt out on everything. I am burnt out on life. I used to write journal entries in a notebook, but it seemed so trite and meaningless to write what I did today and how I feel about it and all kinds of other menial crap that will never interest me again. Now my notebook is covered in scribbles and random scraps of poetry. I like it much better that way, but the poetry well is dry now, and I don't know what to do with myself, my notebook, this blog, or anything else in this world.

I feel abandoned, but I keep people at a distance. I feel bored, but I don't want to do anything.

Every winter I become miserable and dream of summertime, but now I can't wait for summer to end. I'm tired of the way that years go by. Each Christmas, the same family gathering, followed by my trademark period of depression, followed by spring, and a feeling of hope about my life, followed by summer, and a carefree attititude, followed by fall, and dread of winter. It's all starting to bleed together now and just become dread of winter all of the time.

I'm starting to see the same things happening over and over again...not just in my life, but in the world around me. Everything is moving in cycles, and I'm honestly not sure what the point of any of it is.

Compulsive Haiku

2005-08-15T12:31:00.000-05:00

I've come up with a new haiku topic - obsessions and compulsions. Everyone has at least one thing that they can't stop doing or can't stop thinking about, whether it's drinking beer, smoking, coffee, men or writing haikus...

It starts with just one
and soon after takes over
I don't want to stop

Now it's your turn. Put your obsession into print.

Weather Haikus

2005-08-11T19:24:00.000-05:00

Well, since my animal haiku post actually got a couple of responses, and I can't think of anything else to do on this blog right now, I'm announcing a new haiku subject - the weather. Here is a haiku I've written about today's rain.

It drizzles and stops
Will it rain or will it not?
I am at a loss.

I know haikus aren't traditionally supposed to rhyme, but my compulsive use of slant rhyme seems to occur automatically at times.

Now it's your turn to write a weather haiku.

Mattress

2005-08-07T18:06:00.000-05:00

You are an old mattress
that hurts me back
the structure sags,
the springs attack.

I keep you because
you’re all that I have.

The Creative Coma

2005-08-07T15:41:00.000-05:00

I haven't written any poetry in a few days, which makes me nervous. Maybe my crazy poetry summer is coming to an end. It sounds strange, but I'm blaming it on my plans to go back to school. In my unscheduled chaotic life, poetry seems to come more easily to me, but planning out my schedule for the Fall has given me a sense of structure. I'm not just drifting anymore. I have a plan.

Maybe it's actually more simple than I'm making it out to be. Perhaps chaos and creativity do not have to go hand. Maybe I've just been using the energy I usually use for writing on making plans for school instead.

I have never had a great deal of energy.

I'm not going to let the lack of new poems bother me. Even if the well is tapped dry for now (which it might not be), I am planning on taking a poetry class in the Fall, which should inspire new ideas and force me to revisit various forms of poetry.

I remember hearing once that you should always get up when a poem wakes you in the middle of the night. I think that says a lot about the allusive nature of poetry. I never know when poetry is going to show up.

Poetry occurs on it's own terms.

Animal Haikus

2005-08-03T18:57:00.000-05:00

Does anyone feel like writing haikus about cats with me? On sarcomical she does a "half-week haiku" on Wednesdays that everyone participates in. The subject is always pertinent to whatever is going on in the week. I think it's a fun idea, so I thought maybe I'd offer everyone the opportunity to write a haiku about cats on my blog. In fact, let's make it more broad and have it be about any animal. Maybe people who are reading my blog without commenting can participate for a change. Or maybe no one is reading my blog. Either way, here is my cat haiku.

You sprawl on the floor
panting and over-heated
The fur doesn't help.

By the way, my friend Jen told me that she was in the process of writing a cat haiku, but was having a hard time cutting down the syllables. To that I say that the "haiku" rule isn't really strict, and that any animal poem is worthwhile.

Squint

2005-07-31T00:27:00.000-05:00

Put something else on instead,
And come back with me
Green and red
Merion engraved
finally dead
I don’t know where this is going yet.

I don’t know what I’m doing
half of the time
and I could swear
that I’m blind in one eye
drunk on one side
squinting at you
Sometimes I pretend I can see you.

And I know you're just pretending too.

Nose

2005-07-26T22:54:00.000-05:00

I want to write so badly
But there’s a black spot
In front my face
That keeps disrupting me.

I think it’s the shadow of my nose.

Elizabeth Wurtzel on 9-11

2005-07-26T22:18:00.000-05:00

"I had not the slightest emotional reaction. I thought, 'This is a really strange art project.' It was the most amazing sight in terms of sheer elegance. It fell like water. It just slid, like a turtleneck going over someone's head."

Elizabeth Wurtzel was quoted as saying this in response to 9-11. I personally think that it's a great quote. I felt like I was floating in water that day, or as if I was underwater, and everyone was talking to me, but the sound was gurgled and unintelligible. I looked at whoever was speaking and blew bubbles of nonsense in response. Nothing could really get through. I went to classes as usual, and at my college, there was some kind of welcoming week occurring at the time. Instrumental bands were playing celebratory music all day long as we dragged ourselves around from class to class trying to figure out what the hell was going on. It was completely surreal.

Apparently, Wurtzel's comments lead to Miramax pulling the film and releasing it safely on video four years later. As a fan of both the movie and the book, this angers me. I don't think Wurtzel is necessarily an unfeeling stuck-up American who makes light of the tragedies that exist in this society. On the contrary, she uses tragedy in her writing, and she does it well. Tragedy exists. Her reaction was just as genuine as any other American reaction, and censoring her movie (a movie that has nothing to do with war or patriotism at all) is simply asinine.

She is an American. I am an American. We're supposed to have free speech. Lucky for me, I'm not famous, and I don't owe any film companies any explanation.

I guess I should post this on contabland too.

The Onion's review of Prozac Nation

Lolita

2005-07-24T22:11:00.000-05:00

Freckled faced
Hair in braids
Innocent twit
Dolores Haze

But Lolita was never my name

and tennis was never my game.

nymphet
daughter
lover
whore.

I don’t want to be your girl anymore

Someday
I’m going to run away
I know I’ll escape you
someday.

And you’ll hunt me down
like a broke-down hound
But I’ll disappear without a trace.

And you’ll die of obsession
praising my name…

LOLITA
Your sweet, Dolores Haze

Innocent twit
Dolores Haze

Ask me
Beg me
To come back someday

pale and changed
pregnant and plain
yours truly,
Dottie Haze

I am going to escape you someday.